#1 Trying not to lose my head
Why does romantic dating need to feel so different to friend dating?
I recently met someone and got a crush.
Then I ran into them at yoga. The teacher told me to let the thoughts pass like clouds in the sky of my mind. The sky was pretty manic that day, why is no one’s face as red as mine?
It felt exciting when they asked me out, but two days before the date, I noticed some dark thoughts coming up.
I hate first dates. I’m going to look nervous. Why don’t I have interests? I responded to that text too soon.
My body felt weird as well. I was nervy and a bit disconnected.
And under it all, a fear. They’re not going to like me.
Twenty-seven years old and not so dissimilar to the fifteen-year-old coasty girl going on her first date to the local Thai. Or the twenty-one-year-old knocking back four glasses of wine before meeting up with a stranger she’d met on an app.
It might be more composed these days, less alcohol dependent, and with an air of self-awareness, but the pattern is similar.
If someone ticks my boxes - a topic for another day - I experience a swift detachment from my own value as a person. An immediate pedestalling of someone I do not know. A steadfast requirement to be liked, as if my future and sense of self depend on it.
The term I use to describe this is losing one’s head. I also don’t mind dickmatised/vaginamatised.
I hope this experience is not unique to me. Many of my friends - my smart, beautiful friends - find dating emotionally taxing. This is because losing one’s head is highly consuming and comes with very mixed results.
And it’s not just the early dating angst. Once we get physically intimate with a new romantic pursuit, the process accelerates. It even gets a rebrand: it’s now called falling in love.
Now, not only do we need to be liked, but we’re under the influence of a hormonal, brain chemical-infused cocktail. It tells us this person (this stranger) is flawless and what we are experiencing is the highly sought-after ‘connection’ that means you are soulmates. Studies have even found that sexual arousal turns off regions in our brain that regulate critical thinking, self-awareness, and rational behaviour. This certainly explains a few things.
What bothers me is the disconnection from self that happens throughout this process. The love bubble can feel amazing, but this feel-good state also distracts from the critical question, do I even like being around this person?
Now you’re emotionally entangled with someone who just doesn’t make you feel the same way – seen, heard, supported – as your closest people do. The people who love you, just as you are.
I recently moved cities, and it was the contrast between how I felt about dating new friends versus romantic dating that sparked these thoughts.
Preparing for a friend date I felt, a little nervous about putting myself out there, but these encounters didn’t consume me or make me question my worth.
There wasn’t the anxiety to look and perform in a certain way to make them attracted to me. I showed up as myself and if I enjoyed their company, I asked them to hang out again. And we’d get around to it, maybe two or three weeks later. I didn’t think about it in the meantime. I understand that good friendships aren’t born overnight. Getting to truly know someone takes time.
My thinking is that romantic dating maybe doesn’t need to feel so different.
Because losing one’s head might feel unstoppable, but I know deep down that I am complicit in letting it happen. All those micro-decisions and actions along the way where you ignore the part of yourself saying ‘this doesn’t feel good’ because there’s a competing force saying ‘if this doesn’t work, it means I’m not good enough’.
These are the pivotal moments where we have the choice to stay honest and keep that head right where it should be. It might feel different, terrifying even, but surely that’s better than feeling fifteen again.
This is my very first Poochie Writes post and I am equal parts terrified and excited to see if my writing resonates with you. If it feels right, please like, comment, or share with a friend. I can’t wait to share more musings with you soon.
Emma/Pooch x